


Backstage Bloopers

by Bass_Line



Category: Six - Marlow/Moss
Genre: F/F, No I didn't know about those two being related when I wrote this over five months ago, No Jane doesn't know about her being cousins to Anne, The queens are trying their best to adjust to modern society with varying degrees of success, Yes Anne and Jane are related in this story
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-11-01
Updated: 2020-11-01
Packaged: 2021-03-09 01:53:36
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,038
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27326854
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Bass_Line/pseuds/Bass_Line
Summary: On stage, the queens get along relatively well. Backstage? Well... think of their interactions as a series of bloopers that is always edited out.
Relationships: Anne Boleyn/Jane Seymour, Anne of Cleves/Katherine Howard
Comments: 2
Kudos: 32





	Backstage Bloopers

**Author's Note:**

> Look, I really just want to get rid of this story from my documents so please don't send me comments about how Anne and Jane are second cousins, I already know that.

"Seriously Anne?! What's with you and going rogue?!" Catalina growled as they made their way back to the dressing room, with Anne flipping her off as she kicked the door open. The rest followed, all with their own opinions towards the concert they had just performed for London. "It was alright the first few times, but we're already past 20!"

"Oh _I'm_ sorry, I just wanted to dedicate a song to you! You know something, I actually wore yellow to mourn your death back in 1536!" Anne retorted, suddenly swivelling on her heels to confront the queen before her. Unlike her ex-husband, she actually wore yellow to mourn the Spaniard's death in 1536. While it wasn't _actually_ the mourning colours of Spain back then, she wore yellow to symbolise her hope that Catalina was in a better place after her death. Whether or not the rest knew about her sincerity, it was true that she was so upset that she suffered from a miscarriage, which was something she resented the first queen for given that she lost a son that day. "I'm trying to be nice here!"

"Nice?! You went 'Catherine was a massive cunt' before my goddaughter and Anna stopped you from singing the rest!"

"I was calling you a whore, but don't lose your head over the semantics!"

"Oh please! At least I was being honest during my song! What do you mean by politics not being your thing huh?! Everyone knows that politics is very much your thing and that you enjoyed it!"

"Your majesty, don't bother. She's just trying to manipulate the audience to vote for her, why else would she try to be relatable and modern?" Jane quipped, which caused Catalina to direct her anger at her maid of honour instead. Anna decided to stay out of the argument, this wasn't the first time the queens had argued off-stage and she predicted that it wouldn't be the last.

"Oh _boo hoo_ , you're just jealous that my daughter lived past her adolescence while yours died before he could turn 16!"

"I'm trying to defend you from Boleyn here!" Jane protested, sure she had made it sound like losing the chance to be with her son was a big deal on stage, but she only did it to make herself more memorable. Catherine had privately informed her after their sixth concert that it only made her seem petty and inconsiderate towards other queens, notably the fifth queen. Jane understood where Catherine was coming from and while she appreciated the advice, it was the only way she knew how to grab the audience's attention. "Seriously, what have I done to you?!"

"What, not like you don't take every opportunity you get to rub it in all our faces that you died before you could see your son!"

"I-I…! Are you serious?! You know extremely well that it makes me look bad in comparison to all five of you, shouldn't you appreciate me for giving all of you a chance to win?!"

"It's either the woman who seduced my husband away or the girl who didn't live past 20 who would win the competition!"

"What I don't get is why none of you understand that comparing ourselves isn't making our lives any better." Catherine remarked, annoyed that on stage, the other five queens pretended that they understood where Catherine was coming from and once they were safely away from their fans' eyes, they went back to competing among themselves. Anna placed a hand on her shoulder, silently warning her to not worsen the argument. "Can we talk about something else? Perhaps the items we're selling on that colourful modern portrait?"

"It's a website Grandma, and why talk about that when we can watch free entertainment?" Katherine asked, more interested to see the argument between the first three queens unfold into a physical fight. The last time it happened, it was after their ninth concert and the fight ended with bloody noses and bruises. Catherine sighed deeply, if Anna could let go of her personal dislike towards her, why couldn't the two most famous queens do the same? "Who are you two supporting?"

"Kat, you know I'm always on your side, but we should probably not pick sides again." Anna commented, wanting to stay as neutral as possible. She and Katherine were close even in their past lives, but sometimes she wondered why her friend loved to seek out drama when it was clearly dangerous for everyone involved.

"It's all in good fun Anna!"

"Okay well, at least I'm not the ones bragging about their miscarriages! Like seriously?! Why would the two of you do that?!" Jane snapped back, she had enough of the unfair accusations when she had been trying to support the other queens in her own way. Catalina and Anne glared back at her, irritated by her presence in their argument. "At most I talked about how much I wanted to be with Edward and that Henry was being a… well, you know the word."

"Just swear like a normal person Jane! Hell, even Queen Holier-Than-Thou says 'fuck'!"

"Don't you _dare_ insult my godmother you slutty bitch!"

"Catherine, _no_. Don't go there, and Katherine, apologise for insulting her godmother." Anna stepped in, it was hard trying to stay neutral when the other five queens somehow had it out for each other. Katherine glowered at Catherine, but eventually relented and forced out an apology. Catherine did the same, her apology more genuine than the queen before her. "And you three! Can we just move on? Anne, stop singing 'Wearing Yellow To A Funeral' when it's just a diss track! Catalina, stop rising to her taunts! And Jane! Uh… actually you're fine. Kind of."

"Anna, you _literally_ got yourself insulted by your so-called best friend every single time before her song starts! How are you not the least bit mad at Katherine?!" Catalina asked, pointing an accusing finger at the fifth queen. Anne stuck her tongue out at the Spaniard, which earnt herself a hostile glare from Catherine. "She called you ugly for Christ's sake!"

"She doesn't mean it for one, and there's a difference between actual insults und stage insults."

"And how would you know that she doesn't mean it whenever she called you ugly?!" Anna inhaled deeply, before exhaling slowly. She was trying her best to not lose her composure around Catherine's godmother given that she was trying to be civil around the sixth queen, but it was extremely hard to do so.

She couldn't just reveal the extent of their close relationship, that they had shared numerous romantic (at least Anna assumed it was) kisses together in their past lives. If word got out that she and Katherine had an affair while the German princess was still married to Henry VIII, it would cause a serious scandal for them both. Bonus points if people found out that Katherine was cheating on the king _with_ Anna, but the idea that Henry was getting cheated on was almost tempting to highlight. Almost.

"Look, we have history."

"You see?! You can't even give me a straight answer!"

"We're on _very_ good terms in the past." Katherine sighed, intervening on Anna's behalf. If she left Anna alone, she might snap and as much as she loved drama, she didn't want Anna to be involved in the usual shitshow. "And just because I'm indeed better looking than her doesn't mean that I'll actually insult her looks!"

"She's doing it right now!"

"Forget about how I don't look as fair as my fucking portrait! The main issue is between you two! I'm seriously considering the idea of locking the two of you in our dressing room so that both of you engage in sexual relations with each other!"

"That's a sin! Why would I- no! Women engaging in indecent acts with other women is simply wrong! Especially if it's with Anne!" Catalina was absolutely horrified at Anna's suggestion, she couldn't believe that the fourth queen wanted her to have sex with Anne as a way to bridge their differences. Anne gagged, making it clear that she would never sleep with said queen. "It's wrong!"

"I mean… I would rather have sexual relations with a woman than our ex." Catherine trailed off, which placed her on the receiving end of her godmother's fury. Jane was silently glaring at Anne, most likely because of dragging her into an argument that she originally played no part in. "Anyways, it's 2020. You're being homophobic in a time period when homosexuality is celebrated."

"Such degeneration is being _celebrated_?!"

"Not every day! But yes, people in this era are more… accepting towards those who prefer to sleep with people of the same sex. No wait, it's called 'gender' now." Catherine frowned, she still couldn't fully grasp the terms used in modern society and was afraid of using the wrong terms. "You know what, our fans ship you and Anne together!"

"That's just gross and-" Before Catalina could finish, Anne had delivered a stinging slap across her cheek. The rest was stunned into silence, never had they seen Anne springing a physical act of violence towards Catalina. Usually it was obvious when Anne wanted to pull Catalina's hair, and it resulted in her getting bitten by Anne. "... Anne?"

"Fuck you. Should've danced at the damn cathedral back then." The second queen spat, her words laden with venom as she stormed out of the dressing room. Everyone stared in silence as thunderclouds hung over Anne's head, and all of them winced when the door slammed shut.

"Are we… are we going to unpack what just happened or…?" Katherine asked, surprised that homosexuality was a sensitive topic for her cousin. From what she had read online, Anne was religious and should be supporting Catalina's views. Jane said nothing, crossing her arms while warily observing the remaining four queens present. "So… should someone go after her?"

"Let's see, Catalina's a no-go, Jane's also a no-go, I'm not close to her in any way, you've never actually met her in your past life despite being cousins, and Catherine would probably just set her off given her relationship with Catalina."

"You're right about that. By the way, I want to talk to you about something in private." Katherine said, leading Anna out of the dressing room. Anna complied, and the dressing room soon left three queens. Catherine sighed deeply, she didn't know exactly _why_ Anne was so angry at Catalina (and by extension all of them), but she knew that her godmother had to figure out the reason and sincerely apologise to Anne.

"Catalina, you need to find out why she's so mad at you."

"... Probably because she slept with a woman at one point?"

"For her to have such a reaction, it would mean that she... _cared_ for the woman yes?" Catherine's eyebrows were furrowed together, she didn't expect Jane to be so careful with her words. It was as though she was trying not to make things worse for Anne, and given her conservative stance, it was something Catherine couldn't wrap her head around.

"I'm surprised she's capable of caring for someone other than herself or her daughter."

"God damn it Catalina, this is _exactly_ why we're having all of these arguments after every concert! Look, I don't like Anne any more than you do but implying that she's incapable of showing affection to others is downright insulting."

"It's a shame how one man could create such a rift between us." Jane commented, and while it sounded appropriate given the argument beforehand, Catherine held the suspicion that Jane was referring to something else. Catalina groaned, reluctant to accept that she was in the wrong. "Anyways, I am inclined to agree with Catherine. We're now living in modern times, we need to adapt if we want to survive."

"It's just… unnatural. I don't want to imagine two women in bed doing… well, imitating sexual relations like how a man would do to his wife."

"Then don't? Your majesty, if I may, you're free to have your own opinion. However, I implore of you to have some tact when expressing them. It's… It's honestly tiring to deal with arguments after every performance." Jane begged, she was genuinely tired with the arguments occurring between Anne and Catalina. Usually she tried not to step in not because she wanted to stay neutral, but because all she wanted to do was to sleep. "Can't we just all make peace with each other? I'm still bitter over how both of you got to spend enough time with your daughters for them to fondly remember you both, but that doesn't mean we cannot attempt to be civil."

"I agree, just look at Anna and I. She doesn't like me at all, but at least we don't go out of our way to pick fights with each other. And there's Katherine, she doesn't attempt to start something whenever Jane dismisses her song."

"I feel like I'm at court all over again, and there she is, flirting with _my_ husband."

"According to historians, our ex-husband was the one pursuing her."

"She could've just shut him down!"

"Catalina, I've said it in my song. Once he chooses you, you don't have a choice. She's considered lucky to be able to use you as an excuse to not give in to his flirtations."

"... Your majesty, will you not yield?" Catalina knew she should, but her pride prevented her from doing so. She was the damn Queen of England for god's sake, and people loved her over Anne anyways. She eventually relented, her shoulders sagging to indicate her reluctance. "Thank you, perhaps we could finally have some peace."

"... Jane, there's something personal that I need your advice on." Catherine asked in a low whisper, and Jane, who was curious, agreed to follow Catherine out of the dressing room. Catherine was nervous even as they stepped outside of the dressing room, the dim lights barely illuminating their surroundings. "I would like to ask you a question, and I would greatly appreciate an answer but fully understand if you do not wish to do so."

"If this is about dozing off during the first half of your song-"

"Were you in an… intimate relationship with Anne?" Jane felt her blood run cold, and Catherine immediately got her answer just from the pause alone. Jane glared at the sixth wife, grey eyes threatening to make Catherine's performance on stage a living hell if word got out of their previous relationship. "I won't tell anyone. Just… perhaps you could shed some light on it?"

"... Summer of 1528. We had a few encounters with each other while Her Majesty was still married to our ex-husband. She… intrigued me, and I admired her ability to navigate political waters. I do not believe that she held any affection for me, but I had willingly engaged in… relations with her that shan't be repeated in polite company."

"When did it end?"

"When she was crowned as England's next queen. She ended it, which I expected considering that the king was her main priority. That, and I do not doubt that she loved him."

"And… was it only sexual?" Jane said nothing, staring at the wall in front of them. Catherine assumed that she had struck a nerve, and rushed to retract her question. "My apologies, you don't have to-"

"We did exchange love letters, which we both burnt after memorising the details. Not that I could understand most of the words she used, but yes. That was the agreement we had, and we did walk towards her chambers alone. The walk was… I suppose it could be considered romantic in this time period."

"Did you feel that it was just a game to you?"

"... I would be a fool if I didn't think so at that time. He… expressed interest in me around February of 1536, and I would be an even bigger fool to reject him." Jane chuckled, though it was hollow. Catherine nodded silently, realising that she had underestimated Jane's ability to play the political game. "I suppose one could say that I experienced unrequited affections back then."

"He loved you, or at least that's what history says."

"Not him to me, I thank the Lord for that. It was me to her, and despite what historians say about me, I'm neither meek nor chaste, and I'm not above making the person I hold dear memories of jealous."

"Ah. You're referring to that locket he gave you with his portrait inside." Catherine recalled reading that piece of information on Anne's Wikipedia page, and she remembered being surprised by Jane's attempt to incite jealousy in the second queen. "Didn't she rip it off from you?"

"Indeed, her delicate fingers bled so hard that it stained both our dresses red. Seeing her getting jealous, be it over me or him, it made me feel happy. It was difficult, getting her to initiate physical altercations with me."

"What about Henry? How did you juggle being in love with both of them?"

"Catherine, the concert we perform every other night… I'm sure you can see that it's all a sham to get people to pity us. Of course, you've kindly advised me to keep my feelings in check… but that doesn't mean that the song truly reflects my affection for him." Jane replied, a wry smile on her pale face as her grey eyes briefly glanced at the other queen, who was hit with the revelation that Jane didn't love Henry at all. "For me, the only other event that can rival not being able to hold Edward in my arms... was watching Boleyn's execution. I… I had to hold back my tears as the swordsman delivered the swing."

"Oh Jane…" Catherine briefly thought that Jane was trying to gain her pity, that she was manipulating the final ex-wife for her personal gain. Then she saw Jane's expression, her grey eyes filled with regret and longing for a woman that was unlikely to have held feelings for her. That was when Catherine knew that Jane was being sincere, that all she wanted was for someone (who wasn't homophobic) to listen to her untold history. "Given that Anne slapped my godmother, I think she probably holds _some_ affection for you."

"That is a nice thought." Jane chuckled, tilting her head towards Catherine. "... Thank you. You're a kind woman, and I'm sorry for being rude to you on stage."

"Meh, fuck it. Pretty obvious that it's just to amp up the drama for our concerts." Catherine shrugged it off, she didn't hold it against Jane for her mean-spirited comments. If anything, the actual drama was only between Catalina and Anne, just that they were extremely good at making it seem scripted. _'Wait hold on, aren't Anne and Jane blood-related? Was that illegal back then too? Oh dear lord, tonight's an absolute disaster in so many fucking ways.'_

"True, but I still maintain my stand that you draw arbitrary lines." Katherine commented, returning to the dressing room with Anna and Anne behind her. Catherine gulped, how much did they hear? Jane didn't look fazed by the returning queens, but maintained a significant amount of eye contact with Anne, who reciprocated. "So… that was interesting to hear."

"I swear to the Lord in heaven-"

"Whoa, time out! We know! Okay, we know _after_ Anne admitted it to us but still!" Anna held up both hands, while Katherine made a sound to agree with Anna. Anne said nothing, though the way she looked at Jane… Catherine couldn't decipher it. "We won't out you two, we promise."

"I mean, _she_ promised. I'm not going to-" Katherine groaned as Anna shot her a disapproving look, forcing her to promise the two queens that she wouldn't announce the shocking history to everyone. She eventually relented, in a way, she could empathise with Jane's secret. "... Fine, I won't tell. Unfortunately."

"Let's just return to Catalina, I'm sure she's worried about our disappearances." Catherine wasn't sure if her godmother was truly concerned about Anne disappearing, but she _did_ agree to apologise. Jane and Anne hung back, citing that they had unfinished business to discuss. Catherine nodded, and entered the dressing room with Katherine and Anna. "Catalina, we're back."

"Where are Anne and Jane?"

"Outside. They're..." Katherine had to slap herself before she could blurt out what she had learnt about them. Catalina frowned with confusion and concern, while the other two queens remained silent. "Speaking of which, I had an affair!"

"In this life or your previous?"

"Previous!"

"Katherine, everyone knows that-"

"She meant with me." Catherine glanced at Catalina, trying to gauge her reaction. Said queen was doing her best to not react to the revelation, but her expression struggled to hide her disdain towards it. "Actually, you're not having an affair with me. _I'm_ the one having an affair since I was still married to that arsehole."

"Ah, details, details." Katherine shrugged, bringing the fourth queen closer to her with a gentle tug. "Besides, I did kinda cheat on him with you too."

"Should we add Anna into your song then?"

"What the fuck Catherine, leave me alone." Catherine smirked, relieved that there was some semblance of peace among them. Catalina was still confused, for different reasons apart from Anna's and Katherine's past relationship.

"I don't get it, why isn't Anna in the song? Is she different from men? Or is it just romanticised friendship?" Anna smiled, while Katherine simply shrugged. Catalina was flustered, not getting an answer was driving her madder than when she found out about the modern view towards a supposed sin. "What does it mean?! Am I supposed to plan a fucking wedding for you two now?! How am I supposed to plan one if the Lord doesn't approve of it?!"

"I think you two broke my godmother." Catherine commented, shuddering as noises were heard outside the dressing room. Anna and Katherine had the decency to ignore the noises, while Catalina was alarmed. She made her way towards the door, but was held back by Catherine. "No Catalina, don't go out there!"

"What if Jane's getting tormented by Anne?!"

"Why would she- we need Jane, whether we like her or not!" Catherine struggled to restrain her godmother, and turned to the remaining two queens pleadingly. Anna briefly considered helping, but decided to stay out of it lest she ruined her barely-existent friendship with Catalina. Katherine had absolutely no intentions on helping Catherine, and wanted to make things even worse for her. Catherine noticed the malicious twinkle in Katherine's eyes, and instantly realised that she wasn't going to be receiving help anytime soon. _'Fuck you, I'm going to let you be ignored next concert.'_

"Yeah, we still keep her on the show even though she can't dance."

"Not the time Katherine, but ja." Catalina pushed Catherine away, determined to save Jane from the woman that stole everything from her. She pulled the door open, and immediately let out a loud gasp. She fainted shortly after, which prompted the remaining three queens to come to Catalina's aid. "Mein gott! There are places for sexual relations and this isn't it!"

"She's just overreacting, besides who asked her to walk in on us?" Anne casually replied, as though Catalina didn't just faint upon witnessing her having sex with Jane. Jane whimpered, for Catalina had interrupted them just as they were about to finish. The other three queens didn't know if they should ask why was Jane willing to have sex in a semi-public area, or ask if they would start dating. "Just so you know Jane, this doesn't erase what happened in the past."

"Heh, sorry not sorry about that Boleyn." The remaining three queens cringed with disgust as they slowly closed the door, the sight of two women abandoning their sense of decency and apparently their hatred for each other for carnal pleasures was seared into their brains.

"You know what Grandma? Let's look at our merch on the website while we leave them to fuck."

"Great idea, and while we're at it, let's look at those noise-eliminating head contraptions."

"Und those pieces of cloth that covers the eyes."


End file.
